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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Let me introduce myself. My name is Rupert Pupkin. I was born in Clifton, New Jersey, which was not at that time a federal offense. Is there anyone here from Clifton? Good, we can all relax now. Now, I'd like to begin by saying that my parents were too poor... ...to afford me a childhood in Clifton... ...but the fact is that no one is allowed to be really too poor in Clifton. Once you fall below a certain level, they exile you to Passaic. But my parents did put the first two down payments on my childhood. Don't get me wrong. But they did also return me to the hospital as defective. But like everyone else, I grew up in large part thanks to my mother. If she were only here today, I'd say: "Hey, Mom! What are you doing here? You've been dead for nine years!" But seriously, you should've seen my mother. She was wonderful. Blond, beautiful, intelligent, alcoholic... We used to drink milk together after school. Mine was homogenized, hers was loaded. Once they picked her up for speeding. They clocked her doing 50. All right, but in our garage? And, you know, when they tested her, they found out that her alcohol had 2 percent blood. But we used to joke together, Mom and me... ...until the tears would stroll down her face and she would throw up! Yeah. And who would clean it up? Ha, not Dad. He was too busy down at O'Grady's, throwing up on his own. Yeah. In fact, until I was 16, I thought throwing up was a sign of maturity. While the other kids were off in the woods sneaking cigarettes... ...I was hiding behind the house with my fingers down my throat. The only problem was I never got anywhere, until one day my father caught me. And, you know, just as he was giving me a final kick in the stomach for luck... ...I managed to heave all over his new shoes! "That's it!" I thought. "I've made it! I'm finally a man!" But, as it turned out, I was wrong. That was the only attention my father ever gave me. Aw... Yeah, he was usually too busy out in the park playing ball with my sister Rose. Aw... But today, I must say, thanks to those many hours of practice... ...my sister Rose has grown into a fine man. Me, I wasn't interested in athletics. The only exercise I ever got was when the other kids picked on me. They used to beat me up once a week, usually Tuesday. And after a while, the school worked it into the curriculum. And if you knocked me out, you got extra credit. Except there was this one kid. Poor kid. He was afraid of me. I used to tell him, "Hit me, hit me! What's the matter with you? Don't you wanna graduate?" As for me, hey, I was the youngest kid in the history of the school to graduate in traction.

晚上好，女士們先生們。讓我自我介紹一下。 我叫魯伯特·普普金。 我出生在紐澤西州克利夫頓，那年頭這還不算聯邦重罪。 在座有誰是克利夫頓來的嗎？ 好，那大家可以放心了。 現在，我想先從這句講起：我爸媽當年窮得…… ……在克利夫頓給我買不起一個童年…… ……可事實是，在克利夫頓不許有人真窮成那樣。 你一旦掉到某條線以下，他們就把你流放到帕塞伊克。 不過我爸媽確實給我的童年付了頭兩筆首付。 別誤會我的意思。 可他們也確實把我當殘次品退回了醫院。 但跟所有人一樣，我能長大，多半得感謝我媽。 要是她今天還在，我會說： “嘿，媽！你怎麼在這兒？你都死了九年了！” 說正經的，你們真該見見我媽。她太棒了。 金髮、漂亮、聰明，還是個酒鬼…… 放學後我們常一起喝牛奶。我那杯是均質的，她那杯是摻了酒的。 有一回她超速被警察攔下。測速測出她開到了五十。 好吧，可那是在咱們家車庫裡？ 而且你知道嗎，他們一驗，發現她的酒精裡含百分之二的血液。 可我媽和我常在一起說笑…… ……直到眼淚順著她臉往下淌，然後她就吐了！嗯。 那誰來收拾？哈，反正不是我爸。 他忙著在奧格雷迪酒吧自己吐呢。嗯。 事實上，我直到十六歲都以為嘔吐是成熟的標誌。 別的孩子都鑽進樹林偷偷抽菸…… ……我卻躲在房子後面，把手指伸進喉嚨裡。 唯一的問題是，我一點進展都沒有，直到有一天被我爸抓了個正著。 你知道嗎，就在他朝我肚子補最後一腳、圖個吉利的時候…… ……我總算一股腦全吐在了他的新鞋上！ “成了！”我心想，“我成功了！我終於是個男人了！” 可結果證明，我錯了。 那是我爸這輩子給過我的唯一一次關注。 （觀眾發出同情的嘆息聲） 是啊，他通常都忙著在公園跟我妹妹羅斯打球。 （觀眾又是一陣嘆息） 可今天我得說，多虧了那麼多小時的苦練…… ……我妹妹羅斯已經長成了一個好男人。 我呢，對運動不感興趣。 我唯一的鍛鍊，就是被別的孩子欺負的時候。 他們以前每週揍我一頓，通常是週二。 過了一陣子，學校乾脆把它排進了課程表。 你要是把我打暈，還能拿加分。 只有那麼一個孩子。可憐的傢伙。他怕我。 我以前總跟他說：“打我啊，打我啊！你怎麼回事？ 你不想畢業了嗎？” 至於我嘛，嘿，我是校史上最年輕的、帶著牽引架畢業的學生。