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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Let me introduce myself. My name is Rupert Pupkin. I was born in Clifton, New Jersey, which was not at that time a federal offense. Is there anyone here from Clifton? Good, we can all relax now. Now, I'd like to begin by saying that my parents were too poor... ...to afford me a childhood in Clifton... ...but the fact is that no one is allowed to be really too poor in Clifton. Once you fall below a certain level, they exile you to Passaic. But my parents did put the first two down payments on my childhood. Don't get me wrong. But they did also return me to the hospital as defective. But like everyone else, I grew up in large part thanks to my mother. If she were only here today, I'd say: "Hey, Mom! What are you doing here? You've been dead for nine years!" But seriously, you should've seen my mother. She was wonderful. Blond, beautiful, intelligent, alcoholic... We used to drink milk together after school. Mine was homogenized, hers was loaded. Once they picked her up for speeding. They clocked her doing 50. All right, but in our garage? And, you know, when they tested her, they found out that her alcohol had 2 percent blood. But we used to joke together, Mom and me... ...until the tears would stroll down her face and she would throw up! Yeah. And who would clean it up? Ha, not Dad. He was too busy down at O'Grady's, throwing up on his own. Yeah. In fact, until I was 16, I thought throwing up was a sign of maturity. While the other kids were off in the woods sneaking cigarettes... ...I was hiding behind the house with my fingers down my throat. The only problem was I never got anywhere, until one day my father caught me. And, you know, just as he was giving me a final kick in the stomach for luck... ...I managed to heave all over his new shoes! "That's it!" I thought. "I've made it! I'm finally a man!" But, as it turned out, I was wrong. That was the only attention my father ever gave me. Aw... Yeah, he was usually too busy out in the park playing ball with my sister Rose. Aw... But today, I must say, thanks to those many hours of practice... ...my sister Rose has grown into a fine man. Me, I wasn't interested in athletics. The only exercise I ever got was when the other kids picked on me. They used to beat me up once a week, usually Tuesday. And after a while, the school worked it into the curriculum. And if you knocked me out, you got extra credit. Except there was this one kid. Poor kid. He was afraid of me. I used to tell him, "Hit me, hit me! What's the matter with you? Don't you wanna graduate?" As for me, hey, I was the youngest kid in the history of the school to graduate in traction.

晚上好，女士们先生们。让我自我介绍一下。 我叫鲁伯特·普普金。 我出生在新泽西州克利夫顿，那年头这还不算联邦重罪。 在座有谁是克利夫顿来的吗？ 好，那大家可以放心了。 现在，我想先从这句讲起：我爸妈当年穷得…… ……在克利夫顿给我买不起一个童年…… ……可事实是，在克利夫顿不许有人真穷成那样。 你一旦掉到某条线以下，他们就把你流放到帕塞伊克。 不过我爸妈确实给我的童年付了头两笔首付。 别误会我的意思。 可他们也确实把我当残次品退回了医院。 但跟所有人一样，我能长大，多半得感谢我妈。 要是她今天还在，我会说： “嘿，妈！你怎么在这儿？你都死了九年了！” 说正经的，你们真该见见我妈。她太棒了。 金发、漂亮、聪明，还是个酒鬼…… 放学后我们常一起喝牛奶。我那杯是均质的，她那杯是掺了酒的。 有一回她超速被警察拦下。测速测出她开到了五十。 好吧，可那是在咱们家车库里？ 而且你知道吗，他们一验，发现她的酒精里含百分之二的血液。 可我妈和我常在一起说笑…… ……直到眼泪顺着她脸往下淌，然后她就吐了！嗯。 那谁来收拾？哈，反正不是我爸。 他忙着在奥格雷迪酒吧自己吐呢。嗯。 事实上，我直到十六岁都以为呕吐是成熟的标志。 别的孩子都钻进树林偷偷抽烟…… ……我却躲在房子后面，把手指伸进喉咙里。 唯一的问题是，我一点进展都没有，直到有一天被我爸抓了个正着。 你知道吗，就在他朝我肚子补最后一脚、图个吉利的时候…… ……我总算一股脑全吐在了他的新鞋上！ “成了！”我心想，“我成功了！我终于是个男人了！” 可结果证明，我错了。 那是我爸这辈子给过我的唯一一次关注。 （观众发出同情的叹息声） 是啊，他通常都忙着在公园跟我妹妹罗斯打球。 （观众又是一阵叹息） 可今天我得说，多亏了那么多小时的苦练…… ……我妹妹罗斯已经长成了一个好男人。 我呢，对运动不感兴趣。 我唯一的锻炼，就是被别的孩子欺负的时候。 他们以前每周揍我一顿，通常是周二。 过了一阵子，学校干脆把它排进了课程表。 你要是把我打晕，还能拿加分。 只有那么一个孩子。可怜的家伙。他怕我。 我以前总跟他说：“打我啊，打我啊！你怎么回事？ 你不想毕业了吗？” 至于我嘛，嘿，我是校史上最年轻的、带着牵引架毕业的学生。