“I would say my attorney, but he'd bill me.”
Why it's great
A self-mocking turn on a formal introduction; the joke shows both closeness and vanity.
Register
Informal
Use it yourself
I would call him my mentor, but he makes me pay for lunch.
00:00 / 03:03
00:00 / 03:03
Porter Milgrim Meets the Secretary, Explained
Deathtrap · 1982
Chapter 19 of 30 · 3'03"
Sidney's friend and lawyer Porter Milgrim drops in and is introduced to Clifford, now posing as Sidney's secretary. "I would say my attorney, but he'd bill me," Sidney jokes. After Myra leaves, Porter studies the new secretary and asks the question the audience is waiting for: "Do you think he's gay?"
Key moments
Start here, then watch the full scene- 0:59–1:32
Sidney Introduces His Secretary
33s - 1:55–2:08
❝ Monologue · 4 lines Porter on Sidney
He lists the crying, the drinking and the recovery calmly, care mixed with a lawyer's watching eye.
13s - 2:13–2:58
Porter Asks About Clifford
45s
Porter Milgrim Meets the Secretary, explained
What happens
Porter Milgrim, Sidney's lawyer and friend, visits the house on business. Sidney introduces Clifford as his new secretary, and Myra makes an excuse to go shopping. Once they are alone, Porter turns the talk to Clifford, admiring his looks and wondering aloud whether he is gay.
What's really going on
The visit is ordinary on the surface and loaded underneath. Porter admires the room, the desk, the tax deduction, and Sidney's improved mood, but his real attention is on the new secretary. He calls Clifford 'pleasant' and 'good-looking,' then lands the question: 'Do you think he's gay?' Sidney answers with the line he always keeps ready, 'I suppose it's none of my business,' and then adds a joke about little fairy wings. The scene gives the cover story its test run in front of a sharp witness, and leaves open how much Porter actually sees.
Key lines & what they mean
- “I would say my attorney, but he'd bill me.”
- Sidney introduces his lawyer as a friend instead, because calling him his attorney would sound like a billable hour.
- “You do like to live dangerously, don't you?”
- Sidney's response to the idea of inviting the psychic again, treating the suggestion as reckless.
- “Look at the egg she laid on the Griffin Show. Pathetic.”
- He mocks the psychic's disastrous television appearance, using 'laid an egg' to mean a flop.
- “It's nice meeting you, or see you later. Whichever it turns out to be.”
- Clifford's exit line to Porter, a casual joke about not knowing if they will meet again.
Theme
- Deception — Clifford poses as Sidney's secretary, and the visit is a test of how well the new cover story holds up.
- Secrets — Porter pokes at the one thing Sidney cannot afford to explain, and Sidney answers every question with a joke.
What this chapter teaches
Teaching points
Review right after watchingMy level3/6
A1–C2 is the CEFR scale. Cards above the level you pick fade, and playback will not auto-pause on them.
Language points
Click a card to jump to its moment in the videoGolden lines
A great line in its own right — why and how to use it“You do like to live dangerously, don't you?”
Why it's great
The stressed do and the tag turn a plain remark into teasing with a hint of warning.
Register
Informal
Use it yourself
You do love spicy food, don't you?
“Look at the egg she laid on the Griffin Show. Pathetic.”
Why it's great
Lay an egg does the damage in one image, and Pathetic ices the put-down.
Register
Informal
Use it yourself
The band laid an egg at the opening night.
“It's nice meeting you, or see you later. Whichever it turns out to be.”
Why it's great
It turns a polite goodbye into an open ending, wry about whether they will meet again.
Register
Informal
Use it yourself
See you next year, or never. Whichever comes first.
Monologue
One character carrying the scene — shadow the whole passage❝ Porter on Sidney
Just in the last few days, really. You know, it was pretty bad last week. He was crying every night. You could hear him through the walls. He was drinking, too. But he'll be all right. His work's a great solace to him.
He lists the crying, the drinking and the recovery calmly, care mixed with a lawyer's watching eye.
Up next · 20on the agendaThe scene: Porter Reviews Sidney's WillTakeaways
What you walk away with- Introducing someone is often a chance for a joke.
- Lay an egg belongs to show business and stings.
- So long as sets a condition without sounding strict.
- The lawyer watches everyone while being polite.
People also search
Questions, then the linesWho is Porter Milgrim?
Sidney's friend and lawyer. He visits on a business pretext but says the main reason he came was to see how Sidney is doing.
Why does Myra leave during the visit?
She uses grocery shopping as an excuse so that Sidney and Porter can talk in private, which conveniently gets her out of the room.
Why does Porter ask if Clifford is gay?
He is curious about the new live-in secretary and cannot resist gossiping, even while admitting it is none of his business.
What does Sidney say about the fairy wings joke?
He jokes that he does not care what Clifford does as long as he does his job and stays out of Sidney's room, yet he keeps talking about him anyway.